If my tears could be kept in a vial, then I would cure cancer…

Although it may seem like I just compared myself to Chuck Norris, the title is just there to introduce how rare my tears are. To keep it short, I never cry. I only cry over things that involve my family and even that doesn’t happen often. I don’t cry over deaths. I don’t cry over failing grades. I don’t cry over broken friendships. It’s all gillyflowers and daisies for me. But something extraordinary happened to me today in school…

I cried… Hard.

I’ve told you guys before about how I tear up over things but watery eyes are different when the faucets of the eyes are switched on. I was crying a river. It felt rather odd. It felt odd that I would bury my face in my hands and to have others rush to my aid in order to comfort me. I’ve never felt that before. I’ve always witnessed it but I was never really sympathetic towards them. But now the joke’s on me.

It was our last full Social class. It was nothing special. It didn’t feel special. He was staying next year. No reason for me to cry, right? Well, that’s the thing. That’s not the reason. As we said our goodbyes, I leaned my head on Cristine and my eyes were watering up. As soon as he headed out the door… It was like being one year old again. I cried like a baby. I broke down on the platform, Cristine’s hand on my back, other classmates rushing to me with words of encouragement, trials of laughter. I felt like a whole different person.

As I tried to fight through my sobbing, I briefly explained how worthless I felt to him. How my efforts for him went in vain. I felt that my whole personhood was ignored by him, even after all I’ve done for him (on a voluntary basis, might I add!) I expressed my concern over certain people getting in the way of things. I let it all out… and it felt good.

For the first time, I cried in school. That in itself speaks multitudes of how much of an impact he made in my life. I reluctantly told him these words after walking together with him after consultation period. He didn’t say much. He said he had no emotional responsibility over me (which was a good point) and that he didn’t really know how to respond. Heh. He never does. After one year of being with him, he still doesn’t know what to say about me. He mentioned that Multiply message he replied to me on Valentine’s Day and I did tell him how that message made things a lot better. But silly me, I told him I expected more. I told him I felt the message was lacking. Indeed, it’s kind of selfish and self-centered but come on… After all I’ve done for him, could you blame me? Still, I’ve done some stupid things. Said some stupid stuff. I feel bad about it while he is able to walk on. Damn.

One year of progress. One year of decadence. One year of trials. One year of triumphs.

He said we can still see each other next year for our electives. And then I thought about graduation day and smiled inside.

Another year of hope. Another year of obsession.

Times are a-changin’, but will I stay the same?

Bow.

Well, obviously, it’s my fault…

You know, I could be such a silly rabbit sometimes. Such a naive and careless one. It’s no one’s fault but mine. Wow. Really. And I don’t want the unthinkable to happen to him. Just… Down, girl. Stay down. The maya bird can show s0me love to the pterodactyl some other time but for now, in the immortal words of Christian Bale… we are f***ing done professionally.

EDIT: I EDITED THIS POST WITH A BLOODY RANT AND I FIND IT OUT IT DIDN’T GO THROUGH. WHAT. THE. FRACK.

I hate you, pterodactyl. I bet you’re SOOOO happy now. LALALALA.

EDITEDIT: Slightly calm now. Not to worry. I just think the maya is ready to break off its affection for the pterodactyl now.

I’m not mad anymore! 8D

Nice to see you back, rays of sunshine! The dark clouds have finally been cast! I could imagine myself on a field and just looking at all the clouds and the sun having retarded faces drawn on them unrealistically… Oh and everything around me is vectorized. Pure joy.

But anyway… I’m not mad anymore. I’ve calmed down and returned to my usual, non-emo self. Guess all I needed was a time to talk and a little note to make me LOL inside but dismiss it with a straight face. All is well, indeed. :)

Because I’m really bored..

Do you have a crush on someone?
I wouldn’t be taking this if I didn’t.

Do you talk to him/her everyday?
Apparently.

Do you talk about him/her to your friends?
Boy, do they get annoyed with it a lot, too!

Does your crush like you?
It would be illegal if he did, but a girl could only dream, right?

Do you think about him/her?
“I think about you day and night, it’s only right..” XD

How long have you liked him/her?
If I reveal how long I’ve liked him, then people won’t get to guess who I’m talking about!

Is he/she handsome/beautiful?
He can be if he wanted to. :3

Do you dream about your crush?
It happens. :|

Do you like hearing his/her voice?
Singing and talking, yes to both. :3

Do you like receiving text messages from him/her?
I don’t even receive much text messages from him. XD

Do you like his/her laughs/giggles?
It’s alright… XD Although his smile is nice. :3

Do you miss him/her?
How can I when he’s always there? I miss liking him, though. *sigh*

When you see him/her, are you shy?
Never. XD

One day, will you be with him/her?
Yeah, ONE DAY… In other words, never! :<

If you could tell him/her about what you felt about him/her, would you?
I already did… Like way before. XD

Do you have pictures of your crush?
Yes indeedy. From other people and pictures I’ve taken myself.

Do you get jealous when he/she talks to the opposite sex?
Always. It’s a bad habit, I know.

Is your crush a nerd?
Probably not as big as a nerd as me, but we have some nerdy similarities.

Is your crush older than you?
My crushes are always older than me! What makes this crush any different? XD

Are you comfortable around your crush?
Well, if I’m not shy, I’m most likely comfortable, right?

If your crush came up to you and asked you out, what would you say?
It’s always me who asks first, it’s lame. But if HE made the first move, of course I’d say yes!

What do you think about his/her clothing style?
It’s alright. Nothing to brag about or anything. XD

Will you wait for him/her to be yours?
I shouldn’t, but I do, anyway. (You just never know!)

I’ve made a huuuuge mistake…

Yes, say it like they say it in Arrested Development.

Certain events have transpired in my life that have made me emotionally conflicted on my choices. Why does He-Man #1 have to be so unattainable and so… so… better than He-Man #2? Yet… Why does He-Man #2 still make me happy when He-Man #2 does NOTHING to make me happy? And why does He-Man #1 have to match almost everything on my dream guy list?! WHY GOD, WHY?!

And dammit, Internet! Why couldn’t you post a good copy of The Reader online?!

After what feels like forever (when it’s actually just one week…)

I’ve finally decided to update my blog! So here’s a quick update on me. I survived Fasting Week, I watched Slumdog Millionaire, I’ve been busy, I’ve officially become a sister-in-law (it still feels weird to say that), I’ve enjoyed 30 Rock and I have just finished my script for Social.

I’ve also put myself in an emotional predicament that I’ve learned to accept. The only problem is priority. Haha. Now you won’t know which ‘he’ I’m talking about! You’re just gonna have to guess who I’m referring to in my posts! :P Shall we call them He-Man #1 and He-Man #2? Yeah, I know what I just referenced so suck it, monkeys!

Anyway… I run a pretty loose schedule this week because of the intrams and next week is preparations for our field trip. Can’t wait! :D

Just dance! Gonna be okay. Dada doo doot.

Well, I don’t have a prom date, then. Figured if the one guy I wanted to be with didn’t really agree to being my date then I would just go stag. I don’t want to grab a random date for the sake of getting a date. A lot of people are getting desperate. Last minute soirees here and there. Good thing I don’t have to worry much about these things. Yeah, I am going to prom alone but at least my friends will be with me. So yes… Unless he changes his mind (which I doubt), I couldn’t imagine myself going with anyone else. I just couldn’t. :) I wouldn’t go as far as saying we’re perfect for each other. I KNOW we’re not. I KNOW we’ll never be together. There’s just so many flaws to list (one flaw involves the law)  but as the song goes, I’d rather have bad times with him than good times with someone else… HAHA. What is this cheesy crap I’m spewing? I’m fasting, dammit!

BTDubs, I’m representing my class in the Spelling Bee. *pumps fist into air*

Argh. This totally sucks…

Everyone’s supposed to be all happy on this Christmas celebration and I am showing zero signs of that kind of happiness. And I admit, I did this to myself.

Not even a Tim Burton film could cheer me up… Not even Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman can amaze me… Not even Pulp Fiction excites me. I am depressing myself.

Songs like “All I Want for Christmas is You” and that song that goes “Last Christmas, I gave you my heart…” (I don’t know the title.) They’re making me feel worse. And it sucks because I’m only fifteen (going sixteen next month) and love shouldn’t even be the first thing to come in my mind. What is frackin’ wrong with me? I hate this. It’s depressing and I can’t do anything about it. Whatever happened to the “boys have cooties” mentality?

Times are changing now. If before, these things wouldn’t affect me at all… It’s eating me up like a virus. Just give me a hunchback and station me to Notre Dame. I just know it. I freak people out. I freak them out with my actions. They just don’t wanna say anything because they think I’ll get hurt if they say it straight to my face.

No.

It hurts when I’m ignored for it.

It hurts when I’m not taken seriously for it.

It hurts because they expect me to be a mind reader? Uh.. You must have mistaken me for David Blaine! If you don’t like what I do, then please… PLEASE… just say so. I can change! I can change for you and for others but dammit, if you’re not going to speak out then nothing’s obviously going to happen!

You know the saying… “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”

Give me a reason to make me feel like it’s broken because I can’t fix this myself.

Peace.

Failed Christmas. FAIIIIIL.

Ugh. And here I thought that things would finally go my way on this Christmas season… Things were going so well until SOMEBODY had to step in and use the computer on the most opportune of times! Lord, please don’t make this a sign. I don’t want it to be a sign. :(

Total suckage, man. The opportunity was right there… Life’s not fair.

Whatev. I got Pulp Fiction on DVD.

Lemon out.

This is shaping up to be a great Christmas!

Today was our last of school for the year. Hello Christmas vacation! How I missed thee so! Two things happened today: Exam Results and Christmas Celebrations.

First off, exams. The results were not as bad as I thought. In fact, I am quite pleased with it! I was the highest in my class for Chem and Social. :D The Chem result actually shocked me. I mean, the exam WAS easy. I just never thought that I would get a 97 out of 100. Looks like I DO know what I study about! I did not have a good time with the prediction of chemical reactions part. And Social was good, too. I got an 85 out of 100 which is a slight improvement from my past scores but what makes this victory sweet is that the highest in the batch is Billie with 90… That’s the closest I’ll ever get to getting the highest score in the exam. Yet I’m never in the same level as Anna and Billie. I never am. And as I mentioned before, I got the highest score in the class, which is awesome because my Long Test results were rather dismal. Stuck with another A-, methinks. And the rest of the scores are so and so. I failed Filipino. First time I failed an exam, actually. A lot of people failed, as a matter of fact. And I heard that they’re pushing the perfect score from 100 to 80 and by that knowledge, I would pass Filipino! Hopefully it’s not a rumor. :)

Now for Christmas celebrations… I was a menorah for the Christmas costume pageant. I felt like such a stranger. Plus, my costume sucked. XD Oh well. What really mattered was the personal Christmas celebration! Surprisingly enough, I got a lot of gifts from my friends. Now I feel bad because I don’t have gifts for them! (Well, I kinda do.. But only for a select few.) I gave gift art to Sir Dayag, Miss Kresta, Sir Lee, Sir Berns and Sir Mao. Oh God, we waited for like… an hour for Sir Mao. Turns out he was in his homeroom class all this time!

And Operation: Bear Day was a success. It was nice to see how Sir Lee reacted to the gifts I gave him. He didn’t seem freaked out at all, thankfully. I think he just received the best Christmas/birthday present ever. Haha. But yeah. He was generally pleased with what I gave him. And I got my wish from him! I told him to get me a gift and I said I’d settle for anything, even an e-mail. He said he’ll send everyone e-mails with greetings and stuff so I requested for a long, personal e-mail from him. What he said today? “I think I’ll give you a long e-mail.” MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. He was probably overwhelmed by the effort I put into the Christmas card so he got pressured to send a long e-mail. Haha. I’m glad he liked it. I’m glad my efforts did not go in vain.

For once in my life, things are starting to go my way. :)